21 Dysfunctional Definitions

Dysfunctional Definitions

1. Agile- Approach that jumps through hoops to avoid providing a project forecast.
2. Broken Windows- What over-worked developers create when driving through the code-base late at night.
3. Business Analyst- Person who sweeps problems back out from under the rug for their customer.
4. Deliverable- A measurable output of work, completed after the scheduled date.
5. Developer- Person who creates solutions to unidentified problems.
6. Innovation- What happens when managers fail to do their jobs correctly.
7. Intellectual Property- Secret Sauce. Used to achieve the impossible. Alternately, used to prevent other companies from achieving the valuable.
8. Iron Triangle- The rationalizing tool for reducing quality to meet the schedule.
9. Meeting- An opportunity to stop all useful work and take a break. Effectiveness is proportional to the number of attendees.
10. Offshoring- Going to the ends of the earth to help the developers, then finding their replacements there. (IP “borrowed” from Dispair, Inc)
11. Product Manager- Person who identifies problems that apply to all customers except yours.
12. Quality- The feng shui of software.
13. Review- A meeting where all previous work is discarded and new work is defined. Followed invariably by another review.
14. Rework- Replacing broken windows (see Broken Windows)
15. Risk- A means by which reality is infused into projects.
16. Schedule- A perfect prediction of the future and all project events. Schedules never change.
17. Scope Creep- Theoretical event that my friend’s brother’s cousin’s neighbor once heard about happening on a big project.
18. Software Salesman- Person who reserves weekday tee-times for CIOs and purchasing managers.
19. Status Report- A transmogrification of reality to conform to the schedule (see Schedule).
20. Timebox- A five gallon hat, into which ten gallons of work must be stuffed.
21. Waterfall- Approach that maximizes the ability to plan to fail to deliver the right software.

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This article was published on Thursday, October 5th, 2006 at 9:04 pm and is filed under Slightly off-topic.
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